I sat down tonight to write a post about Iain’s robe and that post, well, I’m not getting any traction on it at the moment, so maybe tomorrow. I have found myself thinking about something else. Something entirely different. And it’s this; I need to find a small section of life outside my home.
I met my husband when I was 17 years old. I gave birth to our first son just three weeks before my 19th birthday. I had stopped working outside the home during my pregnancy and I’ve been here every since. And it’s good. It’s where I want to be. I’ve always said that I may have other jobs in my life, but this is my career. Mothering was my calling in life.
The thing of it is, while all of my peers were traveling or going to college or partying, I was having babies. And while they were out at concerts and museums, protests and clubs, I was having babies. While they were making friends and trying on different style lives, I was having babies. When they were taking their time getting to know, and sometimes letting go of significant others, I was having babies.
I’ve never regretted it and I’ve always been content with the thought of “maybe someday”, full well knowing that if “someday” never came, I had still put first what counts and I would never trade a moment of that. But while everyone else was finding out who they are, I was finding out what kind of mother I am. And every little thing about me has unfurled and spread out from and through that until everything that I am is a part of being a mother and everything I do because I am a mother.
There’s good and bad in that. Mostly good I think. But my children are going to grow up someday and I don’t want their departure to be a complete culture shock for me.
We live in a rural area and I don’t drive, I am and will likely ever be, a highly home-based person, but something tells me that I need to step away from that, just a bit, to find out what and who else I am; that I need to venue out into the world at large, just a little more. Truth be told, I’m not even sure what that means or how it will translate into every day life. Maybe I need to take a class or make some friends. Maybe I need to go out for coffee with old friends. Maybe as a family we need to take a trip. Or maybe it’s a simple as taking a walk alone a couple of days a week. I don’t really know. But I do know that it feels right to try.
I think it’s funny that this is all coming out now. Maybe it’s just a part of getting older, but mostly I think it has to do with our recent lifestyle shift. I don’t imagine it seems to dramatic to those of you on the outside. But living the way that we did, so much of life was just taken up by basic survival (there’s good in that too, if you know where to look for it). Now it’s here we go, “life as we know it, take 2″ or 10, I’ve lost count…and my world somehow isn’t shaped the way I thought it would be. Only I didn’t think it would be. I didn’t think of much of anything because every ounce of energy went into just getting by. Now here I am, slightly disoriented, asking where did I go?
Ah, the answer is out there somewhere I’m sure. This is going to be interesting folks.
The pictures in this post were taken by the fire tonight, because home for the most part? Well, it’s a pretty darn good place to be.
What a great post , I| imagine that it was probably hard yet liberating to write, I too realised last year that I needed to find a bit of me and as much as I am a homebody it was a good thing for me to do I felt that I had all but dissapeared into being just my kids mom. I later last year really got the chance to find more of me , sadly it was through a divorce and subsequent house move and I will go back to work for the first time in 10 years. Although my reasons to search out more for myself were very different from yours, It was nice to get to know myself again, I joined a knit night in my town and I have gotten used to going shopping by myself and to the library just for me, it seems to recharge my batteries and take me out of my comfort zone into streching my wings just a little bit more.
My goodness two replys in a week, see this must be me growing a shifting, I have read your blog since you started posting and always felt weird and uncomfortable posting on a strangers thoughts but I am taking the chance to say that I have walked on a similar path and it was a good thing .I wish you peace in your journey and please keep posting because I love reading.
How funny that you posted about this now. I have been feeling lately like I have lost myself too. We have moved 600 miles away from everyone and everything I always knew. I had lived in the same place for the most part for my whole life. 32 yrs mind you. And lately I have been really missing my friends and the places that were so familiar to me. I especially miss my church. I am a mostly at home mom too mostly because we live in the country and because traveling is cost prohibitive. I have been trying to find something to do for myself too. Its comforting to know that there is another mom out there that is struggling with this too. Let us know what you come up with! Love Kate
I hear you Melody.
Wow, I feel like I could have written that myself.. just change the ages a little bit. WOW. I am not alone and as weird as that is, it’s so comforting <3 Please kep us updated with what you do. Sending you love!!
XOXO
Coming from a slightly different perspective…I didn’t have my son until just before my 30th birthday. I work outside the home and was only able to stay home with him for the 1st 6 months.
After working full time since I was 17, I am now at a place where all I want to do is be home. I want to simplify my life. I’ve done the corporate life. I now want to only be a housewife and Mom.
I’m currently between work contracts and my almost 13 yr old often comments how nice it is that I am here to send him off to school in the morning and here again after school.
I understand exactly what you are saying, but even after you have rediscovered You (however that may come about), you can feel good knowing you really have made the best choices for your family.
I envy your lifestyle.
Great post, Mel………I am sure I seem to do quite a lot on my own (in comparison, I guess), but i think all SAHM’s struggle with this to some degree……..It’s always reassuring to know someone else is thinking “what will life be like when my children are grown and gone? What will I be doing?” Just wanted you to know it resonated
I too have been married and had children since I was 17. Gosh, that was 27 years ago. And I have a 6 year old still. Always was and always will be a mom. But Melody I say to you don’t forget in the finding of yourself, that you were a wife before you were a mother. I assume you just didn’t post about the wife part but somtimes I think Men get ripped of by us women. They married us because they loved us and wanted our time and energy and then we have kids and we say “just wait, I’m being a mother now, i’ll be your wife when they are grown”. I say this to you because you are young and because I have been at that place myself.
And, I just love your blog. So open and honest and… real. Blessings.
Wow Meldoy, I feel exactly the same way, only I feel like because Im a single mum that I dont really deserve to leave the kids unless it is to go to work to support them, so I feel kind of stuck by that too, because I dont want to work. Been there done that when I only had Claire, and my only time “out in the world” was working, and then straight home to her. And that was even harder than mothering full time. I just turned 32, and Ive done nothing other than be a wife and a mum and then a single mum. I have no idea who I really am, or what I want. Im really looking forward to seeing what you do, maybe youll inspire me to “get out there” too!
Love Mardi
Oh, there must be something in the air…something stirring and rousing these mamas who give so much! I’m feeling some stretch coming, trying to carve out a bit for myself…just for myself. Let’s journey together!
Beautiful post – thank you for sharing those deep thoughts here.
Like Melanie, I’m also suddenly feeling a growth period in myself – that stirring that is subtle but tangible. It is born out of wanting to model what a woman, wife and mother is to my three daughters…..but then discovering that I want it for myself.
I hope you will share more thoughts on this. Thanks for giving us the window to peep into.
Peace,
Carrie
Thank you for sharing this Melody. My story is different than yours but still I relate to the feeling of needing to find a balance in mamahood. And it is interesting to read your perspective- as someone who had my first baby at 28, I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time getting around to this *real* life I am now living! I look forward to seeing where this leads you.