life goes on

When I haven’t posted here for a while I have a hard time getting back into it.  I sometimes feel like I’ve lost my voice.  Kind of like when you run into an acquaintance you haven’t seen for a while and neither of you really knows what to say.  It’s hard to get the conversation started. I think it was good for me to have a break.  It made me wonder about my future in this space.  Perhaps it’s time to move on?

As you may have guessed, our computer problems passed the point of no return.  My laptop wouldn’t stay on for more than 2 minutes at a time.  It has since been replaced, but I’m not completely set up here yet.

I don’t think it will come as a great galloping shock to anyone to hear that I’ve been struggling this summer, and if I’m completely honest for some time before.  There are many factors, but I think the most pressing one is this feeling that I’m spending my entire life either being sick or trying to catch up from being sick.  Normally I’m very good at putting things into perspective.  This is my life.  This is the body I’ve been given and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to make the most out of every possible moment!  But this last round kind of did me in.  Not just physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  The last time I got Lyme Disease, I was probably the healthiest I’d ever been in my adult life.  I had worked very hard to get to that point.  And in all the time since I’ve never recovered even a fraction of that level of wellness.  I made it back to functioning (and even that often requires a whole lot of just pushing through the exhaustion and pain) and never more.  To be in that situation again, I couldn’t help but wonder what would be lost this time?  The better part of a much needed summer for starters.  So I’ve struggled.  I am struggling.  But I’m trying.  And the more I can be a part of the beautiful every day and reclaim my life as I wish it to be, the lighter that burden feels.


9 thoughts on “life goes on

  1. Tracy

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this awful illness. Our close friend has it and has had to give up his dream of farming. Our very dear friend is suffering as well. She is 17, in a wheelchair, has a feeding tube and is sooo sick all the time, for almost 2 years already. In Canada, they won’t treat Lyme or even agree that you have it, so her options are limited. I hope that you can get to a point where you are feeling well, this is my prayer for anyone suffering this illness.

  2. B

    this is very sad news, I hope things turn around for you, and I want you to know I’ve treasured your blog of years! get well, you’re in my thoughts.

  3. mamaashgrove

    Dear Melody,
    Mothering a large brood of children of such varied ages and stages (not to mention homeschooling!) Is a huge job for a healthy mama, let alone a run down sick one. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. Possibly it doesn’t feel it, buy you are so strong. Ive always marvelled at how positive and productive you are, despite health struggles. Gosh it sure doesn’t seem fair for you to get sick again!!
    However, it does sound like something is needing to give!
    You know I’ve struggled with the blog thing too. I’d sure miss you if you decided your time here is over, though I’d completely understand! Perhaps simply stepping back for a while, both physically and mentally would help. Or maybe it is time. Funny though how hard it is to really end it!
    Oh mama, sending you love, strength, and well being. Wish it was like magic and you’d feel it instantly. Goodness knows, you need a break from it!

  4. christina

    I’m so sorry. I see you making the most of your every day with your kids. I have fibromyalgia. I’m sure it’s not as bad as what you’re going thru but I am trying to get healthy. Do you have any suggestions? I think your doing a great job! Christina

  5. Melody Post author

    Thank you everyone for your kind words.

    Mel- I’m still conflicted about it. On one hand, yes, it would be one less thing to do, to think about, to worry about. Why do I ever worry about it anyway?!? So silly. And yet I know that it’s true that I do some times. On the other hand, I also know that sometimes it’s just what I need to focus my attention on the beautiful parts of our life, and to feel like I’ve accomplished something, if not tangible then meaningful and powerful all the same. And during difficult times I need that more than ever.

    Christina- I’m sorry to hear that you are unwell. I would say that diet and environment play a huge, huge role in helping someone towards wellness or keeping them from it. For people like you and I, who’s nervous system goes haywire, it’s unfortunate, but true that sometimes even the littlest stressors (food that causes inflammation, excessive exposure to electromagnetic fields, emotional distress, etc, etc, the list goes on and on) can cause serious issues. Eating well (eliminating gluten, if you haven’t done so already can often be life changing), spending time in nature and finding a way to get restorative deep sleep are all really good places to start. I wish you well in your journey!

  6. Leslie

    Melody- your blog is so full of light and family love. I am saddened to hear you are struggling. You are living with grace and are doing an amazing job with your children. I marvel at how easy you make it look. I hope maybe you will consider cutting down your posts rather than leaving all together. I have been reading you blog since Galen was little and you were in your little house. Sending you positive thoughts throughout this difficult time.
    Peace, Leslie

  7. Kim

    I feel for you. My mom had MS as I was growing up….and I was an only child. I can’t even imagine the strength it takes to do what you do on a daily basis with a large family. I love your blog so much….its one of the only ones that consistently gives me a calm sweet feeling in my heart. I should probably comment more and thank you for sharing.

  8. stephanie barber

    I’m trying to send you positive, loving, and health-filled thoughts and vibes over the miles. Can you feel them? I think of you and your beautiful family often, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re still dealing with so many ailments. I wish I had some words of wisdom, or some magical cure for you, but you’re quite wise yourself and you do so very much already to manage your health. So all I can do is send my good vibes and hope that they’re strong enough to reach you on some level. <3

  9. Annelise

    God, do I know how this feels. I’m 26 and have been chronically ill in a variety of ways since I was 10, so I really understand that “I feel like I’ve spent my whole life sick” and fighting for every measure of wellness you get. I just wanted to let you know that you have meant a lot to me- I’ve been reading off and on for, gosh, I’m not even sure how long. Five years? Longer than my kid has been alive. I tend to go in and catch up every six months or so, but I can understand feeling like you’re talking into a void, so I’ll try and be better about commenting and reading regularly.

    But anyway, what I was saying was that it is very encouraging for me, to go in and read about someone else who has chronic illness, having a life full of beauty and wonderful children and just, yeah. It’s nice to not feel like you’re the only one, so thank you.

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